This is it

Tomorrow is the day that will change my life. It is my disability hearing. I have been trying to get disability for years without an attorney and was denied. I will be represented tomorrow with a well known attorney in the world of disability so I feel that all bases are covered but there is still doubt. Nothing is 100% but I think what is most frustrating is knowing that I am eligible but I have to prove it, my records aren’t enough. I know that an acceptance of disability will enable me to live independently and NEVER have to worry about medication costs, copays, & hospital stays. I can’t put into words what a relief that would be, not only for me but my family. If I don’t get it I will have no choice but to re-enter the working world. I am terrified because of my lack of energy and pain that I sustain on a daily basis will make it nearly impossible to maintain a job. But, if I have to do it I know God will give me the strength to do it. This is my time, it is almost like retiring, I truly feel like after working 15 years with an illness I deserve to retire and be taken care of. I just hope the judge feels the same. THIS IS IT.

Our last week

A woman that I knew as a child after feeling ill for about a week passed away. This is hitting me surprisingly hard, but one thing she said upon hearing that she had a few days to live was simply that she accepted it and it was her time to go. We must appreciate each second of our lives for we may never know when we are living our last week.

Being single

Can I really complain about being single when I am doing absolutely nothing to change the situation?  I haven’t dated since my boyfriend passed away April of 2011 and I guess I didn’t want to disrespect his memory, but I feel it’s time to get back out there.  So much has changed in my life this past year. I lost my job of 15 years with Duke Energy, due to illness, I had to move in with my parents and on top of that I tore my right knee acl.  Now tell me what man is going to dig a chick with all that and a limp.  It is really frustrating to see women my age successful, independent, and able to rock a pair of high heels and have to compete with that.  It is a losing battle. Don’t get me wrong I have been told I am attractive but, that only goes so far. Yes, I am intelligent, humorous, outgoing, giving, motivated, etc, but if I am slow moving, sometimes with a cane, will there be a guy to look past that to get to know all of my amazing attributes..lol.  I think that is why before my previous boyfriend I hadn’t dated in 4 years, fear of rejection for being sick. But, you know what fuck that (excuse my french) I am who I am and I have lupus.  I am also beautiful, wonderful, loving, giving, nurturing and most importantly I am ready and the man that is fortunate to call me his is a very lucky man.

Birthdays

May 24, 1968, the day my best friend was born.  She is the most caring, compassionate, loving, smart, beautiful, funny, silly person I know.  When she smiles it’s contagious and when she really gets tickled her eyes disappear.  Whenever I have a question about anything she knows the answer, she is truly the smartest person I know, and I know alot of people…LOL.  But seriously, she was made to stand by me through everything, there is no way to know how your life will twist and turn as you get older and more importantly who will be there for you. In a nutshell, never take your present “perfect” circumstance for granted and those that are reaping the benefits, be sure they are the same individuals that will be there when the circumstances are less than “perfect”.

Change has to come

The more I live my life, the more I know I need a change.  I had given up on children and marriage and felt that lupus would be my companion for the remainder of my days.   But, you know, I don’t think so.  I am not depriving myself what I know my heart desires and that is it.  For health reasons, babies are not an option, but a husband, last time I checked, is definately still an option.  I have dated since my diagnosis, but not recently with the worsening of my lupus.  I am not as active but, I am far from dead..I hope.  There is a problem, I don’t go anywhere so unless he is going to show up on my doorstep we aren’t ever going to meet. I have to put down my fear of going out and having people see me limp or use a cane.  These are  my issues that need to be dealt with.  I am heading in the right direction, but it takes time and if you haven’t figured out, I am literally an extremely slow mover.

I am back

I have been away for a bit, but I’m back.  Spent my birthday in AL celebrating my aunt’s 80th birthday and mine followed on the 2nd.  It was lovely to get away with my mom and sis. We left dad and doggy at home so they bonded..lol.  I have made a discovery, just because I am unemployed doesn’t mean that my life has to stop.  I have literally stopped since I lost my job and the stopping has to stop. Yeah, that makes sense.  I got the best advice from my baby 2nd cousins, Jen & Jess to stay motivated and keep striving towards a goal.  They are so beautiful, intelligent, and at 23 and 25 are definately more together than I was at that age.  I started writing a book years ago but work and dealing with a chronic illness sidelined that project.  Well, I have all the free time in the world and I am going to do it.  I must admit it is pretty damn good and I am kind of excited, which is a very good feeling.  So my next few blogs will be excerpts from my book titled “Floating like a Butterfly”, I think I may have to do legal stuff to keep that title because of Mr. Ali, but we will see. Pray for me and know I am praying for you.